Open in app

Sign In

Write

Sign In

Mastodon
Frank T Bird

1.4K Followers

Home

Books

About

Featured Book

Midnight In Footscray
Midnight In Footscray

Nick Conrad leaves prison with a gutful of trauma. In a rough Footscray soup kitchen, he seeks salvation, love and cigarettes in all the wrong places.

2023

·
Frank T Bird
Frank T Bird

Stories

Pinned

My new book is now available for purchasing/stealing

Well, ain’t that the opposite of a clickbait title? — Nothing stops a writer from clicking on another writer’s blog post, like the mention of their new book, which will undoubtedly change the lives of those who read it. But I don’t give a fuck. Do you really think I am going to have a book launch where I invite four of my friends and thirteen…

Book Launch

3 min read

My new book is now available for purchasing/stealing
My new book is now available for purchasing/stealing
Book Launch

3 min read


Published in

Slippery Fiction

·Pinned

Fear and Loathing At St Andrew's

My friends and I took a trip at the home of golf — It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day — I look like a drug dealer in golf clothes. Unbelievable. It’s as windy as Lucifer’s anus, and I’m at some racetrack without horses. Do they send the horses out when the race starts? I…

Humor

8 min read

Fear and Loathing At St Andrew's
Fear and Loathing At St Andrew's
Humor

8 min read


Published in

Slippery Fiction

·Pinned

I Stuck My Dong In A Gloryhole To See What Would Happen

The things we do for our craft — I was driving home from a lovely country retreat dodging the endless roadworks and fucknuts in their trucks. And I was god damn determined not to eat junk food since I got paranoid that processed food was turning me into a Nazi spy. But as always, the food in the countryside matched the mentality of the slow-talking National Party voting population. I considered the whiter than white Anus…

Humor

7 min read

I Stuck My Dong In A Gloryhole To See What Would Happen
I Stuck My Dong In A Gloryhole To See What Would Happen
Humor

7 min read


Published in

Slippery Fiction

·Pinned

A Homeless Woman Offered To Wank Me Off, And I Said Yes

Karma works in very mysterious ways — My Grandfather told me that opportunities for charity could come in strange forms. He became a big believer in karma after meeting a Korean Monk in 1957. That same Monk taught him Tonglen, which helped him turn his life around after killing several people during the war. He also told me that karma was a two-way street and that people can get karma…

Humor

11 min read

A Homeless Woman Offered To Wank Me Off, And I Said Yes
A Homeless Woman Offered To Wank Me Off, And I Said Yes
Humor

11 min read


13 hours ago

It’s Thursday, And I’m Doin’ Dem Dishes

I’m sweatin’ like a greasy peach — And I’ll be honest I just got back from the shop. I’m in the middle of a few commitments, like not to wank or eat yeast and sugar n booze until April 2024. And the benefits far outweigh the short-term pains. But those pains, they’re fucking immediate, and they’re fucking hostile, always shoutin’ in…

Humor

5 min read

It’s Thursday, And I’m Doin’ Dem Dishes
It’s Thursday, And I’m Doin’ Dem Dishes
Humor

5 min read


1 day ago

America’s Desperate Need To Stay On Top Is Like a Bad Joke

And the punchline is total nuclear obliteration. — Let’s start at the beginning. Frank, you can’t say Americans any more. It’s the United States. Fuck you, okay? They are just words. And I like to say ‘The Americans’ because it has this vibe of being an old cowboy movie because that’s where the Americans are still stuck. Those who back their government in these sick conflicts are anyway. We…

Politics

8 min read

America’s Desperate Need To Stay On Top Is Like a Bad Joke
America’s Desperate Need To Stay On Top Is Like a Bad Joke
Politics

8 min read


Jun 2

I Saw Jon Hamm Having a Wank In a Van

Use your words, Frank — Last night I smacked my fucking head on the cupboard in the kitchen I was making lasagna, and my wife was drying and putting away the dishes. She left the cupboard open, and I cracked my fucking head right on the bastard corner. My head filled with tiny sparkling wet fannies, all spraying warm fruit juice throughout my brain, which seeped through the…

Humor

6 min read

I Saw Jon Hamm Having a Wank In a Van
I Saw Jon Hamm Having a Wank In a Van
Humor

6 min read


Published in

ILLUMINATION

·May 27

Louis CK Is Back In Town

And he’s gonna stick his ginger cock in yer face again — Nah, he isn’t. Cos that’s what happens. Yer learn yer lesson, and everyone moves on, right? If he did, though, how funny would that be? Not funny, Frank Alright, alright, cool yer Y-FRONTS. Look, I, for one, am happy to see Louis CK back. His show Louis was terrific, and he is an…

Louis CK

6 min read

Louis CK Is Back In Town
Louis CK Is Back In Town
Louis CK

6 min read


May 24

Time To Bite The Blowdart And Make This Shit Work

I’ve been doing some self-reflection — It all started when I hit up Tony Stubbelbine, the CEO of Medium, on that horrifically named thing called Masto Don. (Which also happened to be the name of the local paedo where I grew up.) I asked Tony why, only a year ago, a poorly performing story of mine…

Medium

4 min read

Time To Bite The Blowdart And Make This Shit Work
Time To Bite The Blowdart And Make This Shit Work
Medium

4 min read


May 18

A Night On The Streets

It’s the last night of the moon cycle — So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my window’s wide open. I’m waiting for my wife, who is taking photos at some artist gallery, and I’m watching all the people and the cars with their weird eyes and their sad hopes and dreams. I get a couple of stares from people. It’s probably cos I’m moving beads through my fingers…

Frank T Bird

5 min read

A Night On The Streets
A Night On The Streets
Frank T Bird

5 min read

Frank T Bird

Frank T Bird

1.4K Followers

Book Author

Indie writer of unique psychological fiction based in Melbourne, Australia. franktbird.com

Following
  • Christopher Robin

    Christopher Robin

  • Susie Kearley

    Susie Kearley

  • Grimsby Hackney

    Grimsby Hackney

  • Dr Mehmet Yildiz

    Dr Mehmet Yildiz

  • Lilith Helstrom

    Lilith Helstrom

See all (85)

Help

Status

Writers

Blog

Careers

Privacy

Terms

About

Text to speech

Teams