The things we do for our craft — I was driving home from a lovely country retreat dodging the endless roadworks and fucknuts in their trucks. And I was god damn determined not to eat junk food since I got paranoid that processed food was turning me into a Nazi spy. But as always, the food in the countryside matched the mentality of the slow-talking National Party voting population. I considered the whiter than white Anus…

My friends and I took a trip to the home of golf — It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day — I look like a drug dealer in golf clothes. Unbelievable. It’s as windy as Lucifer’s anus, and I’m at some racetrack without horses. Do they send the horses out when the race starts? I see…

I feel like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver — Doesn’t Harvey Keitel make yer balls shrink in that film? Possibly cos I saw him as the Wolf first. Everything is relative, isn’t it? It's all about what comes before. And yeah I hear ya: Frank, you cant use child prostitutes as funny examples in your work. Look stop ya crying okay? I could have said Julia Roberts in Pretty…

And I can prove it you fuckers — Dear Medium Streetwalkers I remember the first god damn time I got curated. I nearly spunked in my pants.* It was the first article I wrote on Medium, and for the first time in my life, I truly experienced being a winner like my hero — cyclist Lance Armstrong. Under…

Stop looking for shiny lights and charismatic unicorns — It’s 2 am, and you’re sitting at this train station freezing your goolinos or equivalent off. You’re watching the mucky, boundless Dakini organise her fourteen shopping bags, each filled with thirteen shopping bags. She bends low and her gargantuan arse crack smiles like the Grand Canyon from space. But you don’t get what she is teaching. You are Major Tom the arse watcher.

I never really got along well with the army. — I had dog hairs on my uniform even though I hadn’t lived with a dog for over a year. The Sergeant Major wasn’t impressed by that. Nor by the fact that I was trying to leave the British Army. He was a fearsome prick of a man with a slick black moustache that probably had a rank of its own. Now he came at me like a software salesman…

No, it’s not the latest Bond film, before you ask. — I first met Saddam Klopp at the Irish film festival in Belfast in 2011 We got drunk on whiskey, and he confessed to me that he was only the second-ever human born with triphallia — three penises. I thought he was joking since we had a good amount to drink, so I waited for the punchline, but it never came. …

Is it heading towards its Use By Date? — In 1997, while staying with my parents, I attempted to download a picture of a naked woman. The first half of the photograph took several minutes, and by the time the second nipple was visible, it was ten minutes. As I waited for the legs and vagina to load, I got my cock in hand and prepared myself. That’s when my Mum walked in. And I tried…