My friends and I took a trip at the home of golf — It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day — I look like a drug dealer in golf clothes. Unbelievable. It’s as windy as Lucifer’s anus, and I’m at some racetrack without horses. Do they send the horses out when the race starts? I…

The things we do for our craft — I was driving home from a lovely country retreat dodging the endless roadworks and fucknuts in their trucks. And I was god damn determined not to eat junk food since I got paranoid that processed food was turning me into a Nazi spy. But as always, the food in the countryside matched the mentality of the slow-talking National Party voting population. I considered the whiter than white Anus…

Karma works in very mysterious ways — My Grandfather told me that opportunities for charity could come in strange forms. He became a big believer in karma after meeting a Korean Monk in 1957. That same Monk taught him Tonglen, which helped him turn his life around after killing several people during the war. He also told me that karma was a two-way street and that people can get karma…

I’m sweatin’ like a greasy peach — And I’ll be honest I just got back from the shop. I’m in the middle of a few commitments, like not to wank or eat yeast and sugar n booze until April 2024. And the benefits far outweigh the short-term pains. But those pains, they’re fucking immediate, and they’re fucking hostile, always shoutin’ in…

And the punchline is total nuclear obliteration. — Let’s start at the beginning. Frank, you can’t say Americans any more. It’s the United States. Fuck you, okay? They are just words. And I like to say ‘The Americans’ because it has this vibe of being an old cowboy movie because that’s where the Americans are still stuck. Those who back their government in these sick conflicts are anyway. We…

Use your words, Frank — Last night I smacked my fucking head on the cupboard in the kitchen I was making lasagna, and my wife was drying and putting away the dishes. She left the cupboard open, and I cracked my fucking head right on the bastard corner. My head filled with tiny sparkling wet fannies, all spraying warm fruit juice throughout my brain, which seeped through the…

And he’s gonna stick his ginger cock in yer face again — Nah, he isn’t. Cos that’s what happens. Yer learn yer lesson, and everyone moves on, right? If he did, though, how funny would that be? Not funny, Frank Alright, alright, cool yer Y-FRONTS. Look, I, for one, am happy to see Louis CK back. His show Louis was terrific, and he is an…

I’ve been doing some self-reflection — It all started when I hit up Tony Stubbelbine, the CEO of Medium, on that horrifically named thing called Masto Don. (Which also happened to be the name of the local paedo where I grew up.) I asked Tony why, only a year ago, a poorly performing story of mine…

It’s the last night of the moon cycle — So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my window’s wide open. I’m waiting for my wife, who is taking photos at some artist gallery, and I’m watching all the people and the cars with their weird eyes and their sad hopes and dreams. I get a couple of stares from people. It’s probably cos I’m moving beads through my fingers…