My friends and I took a trip at the home of golf — It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day — I look like a drug dealer in golf clothes. Unbelievable. It’s as windy as Lucifer’s anus, and I’m at some racetrack without horses. Do they send the horses out when the race starts? I…

The things we do for our craft — I was driving home from a lovely country retreat dodging the endless roadworks and fucknuts in their trucks. And I was god damn determined not to eat junk food since I got paranoid that processed food was turning me into a Nazi spy. But as always, the food in the countryside matched the mentality of the slow-talking National Party voting population. I considered the whiter than white Anus…

Karma works in very mysterious ways — My Grandfather told me that opportunities for charity could come in strange forms. He became a big believer in karma after meeting a Korean Monk in 1957. That same Monk taught him Tonglen, which helped him turn his life around after killing several people during the war. He also told me that karma was a two-way street and that people can get karma…

And he’s gonna stick his ginger cock in yer face again — Nah, he isn’t. Cos that’s what happens. Yer learn yer lesson, and everyone moves on, right? If he did, though, how funny would that be? Not funny, Frank Alright, alright, cool yer Y-FRONTS. Look, I, for one, am happy to see Louis CK back. His show Louis was terrific, and he is an…

I’ve been doing some self-reflection — It all started when I hit up Tony Stubbelbine, the CEO of Medium, on that horrifically named thing called Masto Don. (Which also happened to be the name of the local paedo where I grew up.) I asked Tony why, only a year ago, a poorly performing story of mine…

It’s the last night of the moon cycle — So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my window’s wide open. I’m waiting for my wife, who is taking photos at some artist gallery, and I’m watching all the people and the cars with their weird eyes and their sad hopes and dreams. I get a couple of stares from people. It’s probably cos I’m moving beads through my fingers…

For every follow, I’ll take off a piece of clothing — And yeah, I know I just wrote that bastard shit about hating marketing And it’s true. I do hate it. But that’s just the type of stinking anus capitalist world we live in, isn’t it? To a degree, that marketing piece I wrote was just for my own entertainment. I actually wanked off in my grandma’s cupboard while reading it and simultaneously choking…

Our governments have no problem torturing human beings, and you could easily be next, you fuckers — What do you and Julian Assange have in common? You are both humans. And that’s all you need to know about him. You probably expected me to spew forth something about how we are all writers and we need to protect our integrity as journalists. And it's a good point. But, for now, forget he is a journalist. …

We need to write freely, or we are doomed — So, there I was, writing a chapter in my new book the other day, when I realised that to make the story work, one of the characters had to be a racist prick. I tried to find a way around it, but it wasn’t possible. I took a giant sip…