Mardi Gras, Slim Shady impersonators and political agendas — Eurovision in the eighties and nineties was alright. It was saved by the ball-skinning wit of the host Terry Wogan as well as the hilariously crude phone voting system and the openly corrupt juries. Later they brought in televoting, which allowed the public to participate. Technology killed the crude phone system, and Terry Wogan died. RIP Terry.

While corporations make billion-dollar profits in war, our world will never find peace. — Some idiots on Twitter are celebrating cos Putin might be dying of bowel cancer. ‘Karma Bitch’, they say. ‘One step closer to world peace’, they say. If you agree, then, firstly, FUCK YOU for celebrating the sickness of a human being. Go get your head tested Motherfucker. Secondly, if you had even the slightest inkling of the concept of karma, you wouldn’t use the…

My friends and I took a trip to the home of golf — It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day — I look like a drug dealer in golf clothes. Unbelievable. It’s as windy as Lucifer’s anus, and I’m at some racetrack without horses. Do they send the horses out when the race starts? I see…

You had to make the world that little bit more complex for everyone, didn’t you? — I did my research. I fucking did, you bastards. I considered why the fuck anyone would want to start a Medium publication, and I’ve gotta say for the life of me, I just can’t find a single benefit to it. I mean, I came close, especially during my famous weed binge of April 2022. Does Weed Make You More Creative? I believe in tackling the big topics on this blogmedium.com

Do people think reality TV is normal? — My wife sat down next to me with a sombre look. We need to talk, she said. And I wondered if she had been banging the milkman. Then I realised we didn’t have a milkman, so it must have been the damn postal representative. I have a confession to make, she said, lowering her head. Oh fuck, here it comes. I…

It could be you soon enough Motherfucker — There are 2.3 billion homes on earth. That’s enough for every three earthlings to share a roof over their head, so don’t give me any of your logistical shit before we even get going, okay? And hey, look, I could go into detail ranting about the statistics on homelessness. But there is no need. Read this if…

The Premier League need to make the first move, not the players. — English football fans used to monkey chant and throw bananas on the pitch every time a black footballer got the ball. I know this because I was there. I joined in with the chanting. I didn’t know the meaning since I’d barely arrived on this planet. It was just fun to chant like a monkey. My Dad always told me off for it, and I didn’t understand why.

It’s 2022, People. Get your mouth game together. — WARNING: SEXUAL STUFF AHEAD I know what yer thinking. Frank’s gone all sexual. First, he writes a piece about losing his virginity to a twelve-year-old. Now he is telling us how to provide greater oral pleasure. I Lost My Virginity On A Bowling Green at 2 am I was fourteen, and she was twelve.franktbird.medium.com I won’t deny it. I’m feeling a little horny. It’s a combination of the prospect of nuclear war and an upcoming election…

I was fourteen, and she was twelve. — When I mention that I lost my virginity to a twelve-year-old girl, people look at me like I am a downright Paedo. I have to explain that I didn’t lose my virginity yesterday. It happened in 1990 when I was fourteen years old, and she was no average twelve year old. My friends and I thought she was older than us. I only found out her actual age when she snuck me…