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Frank T Bird

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Midnight In Footscray
Midnight In Footscray

Nick Conrad leaves prison with a gutful of trauma. In a rough Footscray soup kitchen, he seeks salvation, love and cigarettes in all the wrong places.

2023

·
Frank T Bird
Frank T Bird

Stories

Pinned

My new book is now available for purchasing/stealing

Well, ain’t that the opposite of a clickbait title? — Nothing stops a writer from clicking on another writer’s blog post, like the mention of their new book, which will undoubtedly change the lives of those who read it. But I don’t give a fuck. Do you really think I am going to have a book launch where I invite four of my friends and thirteen…

Book Launch

3 min read

My new book is now available for purchasing/stealing
My new book is now available for purchasing/stealing
Book Launch

3 min read


Published in

Slippery Fiction

·Pinned

Fear and Loathing At St Andrew's

My friends and I took a trip at the home of golf — It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day — I look like a drug dealer in golf clothes. Unbelievable. It’s as windy as Lucifer’s anus, and I’m at some racetrack without horses. Do they send the horses out when the race starts? I…

Humor

8 min read

Fear and Loathing At St Andrew's
Fear and Loathing At St Andrew's
Humor

8 min read


Published in

Slippery Fiction

·Pinned

I Stuck My Dong In A Gloryhole To See What Would Happen

The things we do for our craft — I was driving home from a lovely country retreat dodging the endless roadworks and fucknuts in their trucks. And I was god damn determined not to eat junk food since I got paranoid that processed food was turning me into a Nazi spy. But as always, the food in the countryside matched the mentality of the slow-talking National Party voting population. I considered the whiter than white Anus…

Humor

7 min read

I Stuck My Dong In A Gloryhole To See What Would Happen
I Stuck My Dong In A Gloryhole To See What Would Happen
Humor

7 min read


Published in

Slippery Fiction

·Pinned

A Homeless Woman Offered To Wank Me Off, And I Said Yes

Karma works in very mysterious ways — My Grandfather told me that opportunities for charity could come in strange forms. He became a big believer in karma after meeting a Korean Monk in 1957. That same Monk taught him Tonglen, which helped him turn his life around after killing several people during the war. He also told me that karma was a two-way street and that people can get karma…

Humor

11 min read

A Homeless Woman Offered To Wank Me Off, And I Said Yes
A Homeless Woman Offered To Wank Me Off, And I Said Yes
Humor

11 min read


Sep 11

Fuck You. I’m Not Trying To Sell My Books Anymore.

I’ve unwittingly become a digital fuck ferret. — And look, have I tried posting content every day for three centuries like a good little marketing fuck? Well no. But I’ve tried it for a long time, and very intensely for a few months, and honestly, I feel like I’ve been in an orgy with a gang of randy dementors. And sure, if you believe the inventor of the sandpaper wank, Gary Vaynerchuck, you need to take…

Frank T Bird

5 min read

Fuck You. I’m Not Trying To Sell My Books Anymore.
Fuck You. I’m Not Trying To Sell My Books Anymore.
Frank T Bird

5 min read


Sep 8

Don’t Start Your Day With Bacon And A Wank

It’s the fucking nitrates — And like absolutely everything, I don’t know why this generation feels compelled to absolutely motherfuckingly insist on renaming everything that has served perfectly well under its own name before now. And NOT WANKING, in my opinion, is a perfectly normal name for what has irritatingly become known as the NOFAP…

Frank T Bird

4 min read

Don’t Start Your Day With Bacon And A Wank
Don’t Start Your Day With Bacon And A Wank
Frank T Bird

4 min read


Published in

ILLUMINATION

·Sep 6

Cure Your Anger Now (Before It’s Too Late)

It’s the bullet that drags you down, not the target, bitches — “The trouble with dying in an angry state is that the mind doesn’t recognise the subject of the anger. It is anger itself that causes hellish rebirth, regardless of how justified it may seem.” Justine Beaver (22nd-century poet and dancer) Sometimes I fantasise about punching people in the teef It often begins with an exciting road incident where I…

Anger Management

5 min read

Cure Your Anger Now (Before It’s Too Late)
Cure Your Anger Now (Before It’s Too Late)
Anger Management

5 min read


Aug 26

Special K Is The Cornerstone Of Any Nutritious Breakfast

It’s fucking Spring, and I need to write something — I can feel the cold of the worked steel on the base of each hand. It’s what they call a MacBook ‘air’. I decided to work outside as it’s a ‘nice’ day. That’s when I fell headlong into the black square known as the K-key. It lies in the Eastern hemisphere of the keyboard between the galaxies of J and L. …

Frank T Bird

6 min read

Special K Is The Cornerstone Of Any Nutritious Breakfast
Special K Is The Cornerstone Of Any Nutritious Breakfast
Frank T Bird

6 min read


Published in

ILLUMINATION

·Jun 22

Are You About To Commit Suicide?

Sorry to interrupt, but there is a flaw in your plan — We’d eaten chicken for dinner that night And chicken is always a damn risk — especially when you eat those Jurassic Park boney bits with slithers of pink in them, even when cooked. Less than twelve minutes after my last gobful, I ran to the upstairs toilet and ejaculated Willy Wonka liquid cacao from my anus at…

Suicide

7 min read

Are You About To Commit Suicide?
Are You About To Commit Suicide?
Suicide

7 min read


Published in

The Bad Influence

·Jun 19

If You Make It Through This Post Without Cancelling me, You’re Better Than 90% Of Dead Beavers

It’s Friday Night, N I’m Grieving again — Grieving for what, Frank? Is it still about Phillip Seymour Hoffman? Well, yeah, a little. I wonder what that beautiful blonde bastard would be doing if he were still here. But it ain’t just that. I gave up coffee — day four of that lark, n I’m pissin’ four times a night like Seabiscuit from the fourteen gallons of Pukka Organic…

Philip Seymour Hoffman

8 min read

If You Make It Through This Post Without Cancelling me, You’re Better Than 90% Of Dead Beavers
If You Make It Through This Post Without Cancelling me, You’re Better Than 90% Of Dead Beavers
Philip Seymour Hoffman

8 min read

Frank T Bird

Frank T Bird

1.4K Followers

Book Author

Indie writer of unique psychological fiction based in Melbourne, Australia. franktbird.com. Also on Substack franktbird.substack.com

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