USEFUL LIFE ADVICe
Positivity Is Ignorance
You’re on a boat, and it’s sinking
You’ve hit a damn old Apple Macintosh that some bastard dumped in 2012
It’s left a gaping hole in one side of the boat, and seawater is rushing in like deranged consumers on Black Friday.
In one corner of the boat, a man is quietly praying.
He is praying to his lord and saviour, whoever that may be, and he isn’t hassling you. He is just getting on with it.
Opposite you, another man is praying loudly.
Only this man is trying to hold your hand, and he is telling you to pray with him to save yourself.
In the other corner of the boat, another man publicly preaches that everything will be okay.
“It’s going to be fine, folks,” he says. “I’m absolutely damn sure of it.”
He wears a constant smile, interrupted only by the micro flutter of a few eyebrow hairs when the cold waves whip up and touch the lower section of his nad-bag.
You see the gaping hole in the boat and your brand-new Adidas Coast Star sneakers soaking up the icy water.
You notice black shark fins circling, knowing it will be hours before help reaches you. And, you know that it’s not going to be okay.
You are absolutely damn sure of it.
But, a woman is sitting next to you.
She takes your hand and looks at you with eyes of love filled with tears. Then she hugs you and says,
“This is going to be hard, but I’m here for you. Let’s do this together.”
Which of the boat characters are you?
As the boat fills with water and the sharks swim around, are you the one crying, panicking and worrying about your own life?
Are you the victim looking around for someone, anyone, to save your arse?
Are you the one who prays quietly and leaves others alone? And if so, do you direct those silent prayers towards your own well-being, those around you, or a little of both?
Are you the religious or spiritual (or even atheist) type constantly badgering others to join you on your relative journey and fundamentally touting it as the only way to salvation?
Are you the lord of positivity sitting in the corner, projecting your fear as denial through positive thinking?
Or are you the one who sees reality? Are you the one who notes every detail of the swiftly sinking ship we are all on, with its inhabitants planning and grinding to make the sinking experience pleasant?
Are you the one who fully acknowledges the shithousery you find yourself in and yet turns your attention to others and holds them with love without offering a solution?
You are on a sinking boat. We all are. You can deny it if you want, but that’s just fear.
Even if the world wasn’t getting burned by the corporations and their proxy kangaroo agents known as the US government and the rest, it’s sinking.
Even if you are sitting on a beach right now in Barbados, sipping a yuzu chipotle margherita and having your feet massaged by a young local lad called Ian, it’s still sinking.
Even if you are in bed with your gym crush, covered in Nutella, housing a surprisingly stimulating butt plug and smoking the world’s finest sensimilla while watching The Breakfast Club on repeat, it’s still a sinking boat (albeit a damn good one).
While the water is slopping around at feet level, you might even think it’s natural for some water to get into the boat. Then, as your feet get wet, you look around for someone or something to assure you that it’s natural for your feet to get wet, it’s just the nature of being on a boat.
It’s only when your nads get salty, or your vag fills with brine that you realise that this boat is going down and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. By then, it’s too late.
Changing your personality is not something that happens overnight.
It takes years or even decades of work to change personality. So by the time you are waist-deep in the sea, your destiny to play out one of the characters is set in stone.
You are the victim, the quiet prayer man, the fundamentalist, the master of denial, or the Bodhisattva. And if you look deep into your mind right now, you know which one you are.
So, if you want to be a specific character when the boat goes down, and you’re not that character now, you better damn well get started.
