Here Lies Frank Who Died Trying to Straighten His Sausage McMuffin
If anyone asks it was just a regular car crash okay?
Look, I know I shouldn’t have been eating it anyway.
My doctor advised me against it due to my health issues. They said that things like Mcmuffins might give me a heart attack.
But out on the road, it’s just so damn easy and delicious. Besides, they were wrong. I didn’t die of a heart attack. That’s a win for me.
God knows what is actually in that sausage anyway. Is it possible that they add just enough pepper to disguise the taste of pig prostates?
And, It’s 480 calories. Is that a lot? I have no idea.
You know how people have that person who is supposed to delete your internet history if you die?
Well, they should have them for embarrassing deaths too — someone to get rid of the Mcdonalds bag from the wreckage of your car and clean up the half-eaten bits of egg, and sausage from your bleeding face.
The cops probably won’t do it cos it’s evidence. The last line of defence is undoubtedly the coroner who, in their infinite mercy, might be able to change the lines:
The victim died straightening a sausage and egg McMuffin while driving.
But it’s doubtful.
At least it might make for an interesting funeral:
Frank died doing what he loved — stuffing his face with McDonald's while listening to Underworld at high speed.
Sure it’s embarrassing, but I wouldn’t say it’s the worst.
At least I didn’t have a heart attack masturbating to porn. That’s another win.
Imagine being found by the cleaner mid-wank with your pants around your ankles, goblin porn playing loudly on your laptop and the unmistakable whiff of amyl nitrate in the air.
Also, I didn’t choke on cheese. McDonald’s cheese is not the kind you choke on. Let’s face it — it’s barely cheese at all. It’s the part of a McMuffin that concerns me the most in terms of the question:
What the fuck is it?
But, no, at least you cant choke on it.
You can choke on long rubbery mozzarella though.
That would be made worse if a scene unfolded where someone is giving you the Heimlich manoeuvre, in the middle of a packed restaurant but the cheese is just stretching instead of flying out. I’ve written about this before.
There is this gorilla of a man with garlic breath trying to give me some fucked up version of the Heimlich manoeuvre. He is thrusting his mammoth, drunken frame into me as if it’s mating season at the zoo and he is knocking over people’s dinners in the process. I want to apologise to them, but I can’t because I am choking on mozzarella. I suppose this is my final piece of absurdist art — I call it ‘Death by Cheese’.
One can also choke on spinach, but that’s far less embarrassing since it is healthy. At least the cause of your death would be attempted well being rather than mindless, short-lived dopamine rush.
And look, do I blame the kid who makes the damn sausage McMuffins?
Well, yes, actually I do.
That little bastard should be done for manslaughter at least.
I could blame their parents I suppose for bringing up someone who just doesn’t give a fuck about McMuffins. That ungrateful shit is getting at least $5 an hour. A few more days of this and they could buy a third of last year’s PlayStation.
I mean, it’s not that fucking hard to make a muffin without the sausage sticking out at ninety degrees, yet it happens all of the time. We could say that it's just that they are in a rush but I think that's bullshit.
It is obviously an act of contempt.
- Contempt for the company, the customers and themselves.
- Most of all, contempt for the sacredness of life itself.
It leads me to wonder if the same kids that do it also spunk in burgers.
In fact, how many of us have eaten a Mcdonald's burger with spunk in it?
They say that you swallow five hundred spiders while asleep in your lifetime.
If you eat McDonald's regularly during your lifetime do you consume the spunk of at least a hundred climaxes?
You’d have to be delusional to think that there isn’t at least two per cent of teenagers who would happily spunk in a customer’s burger for a laugh.
Are you that customer?
Anyway, it’s time for me to move on now. What do I regret in my life?
Well, that last Sausage Mcmuffin is up there. I also regret sleeping with the woman that gave me Herpes in 1998 and subsequently I regret passing it on to at least two others.
I want to send a message to all humans. You could die at any moment so take care to ensure that you are not caught in any embarrassing situation without a wing person to remove the evidence. This is my legacy.
Goodnight, Sweet World.
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