Holy Red Mother

I fucking worship you

Yeah, and one minute, I’m sittin’ in this dank cave.

And some beaver-like creature is liquid shittin’ in the corner near where the ants have their farmers market on a Sunday (not that there are days of the week in Tibet. I added it to enhance your understanding, alright?)

I say beaver-like cos it ain’t got one of those flat tails like the paddle my Auntie Phil used on my Uncle Rita when she’d been down the local gloryhole without his permission again.

I’d hear him whackin’ her when I slept over.

Yer a little fuckin slut, he’d say.

And she’d say,

Fuckin sorry, Daddy.

Uncle Rita was a fuckin cow, but she never deserved that. Also, I never realised Auntie Phil was also Uncle Rita’s father — strange world.

Anyway, then I’d just hear fuckin whack, whack.

But yeah, this thing (the beaver-like creature) has a fuckin tail like a cartoon fox, red and bushy like Sarah Ferguson’s bush only with that perfect white pointy tip that looks like it gets bleached every fortnight by an Asian lady called Hon.