How to Swim in the Water Without Getting Wet?

Don’t forget who the fuck you are, okay?

I blame Gary Vee, that fucking bastard.

I was just a junior Medium dweeb back then.

I spent my hours fighting against the endless online advice to slip into a hot niche and then market it using Gary’s patented sandpaper wank.

And the nature of social media is that you dip your little toe in the stinking seawater, and before you know it, yer sitting on this cold grey rock washing the whole lower half of yer legs in the fizzing brine.

N at first yer just innocently tryin’ to promote the novelinski yer sweated haemoglobin to write. But soon Gary convinces ya to transform yerself into an entrepreneurial marketing goblin. And ya know it’s horseshit, but somehow it gets ya anyway.

For me, it meant I started running.

I bought these fucking luminous yellow running shoes that weighed about the same as an ant’s dick. And I went to see this bearded 22-year-old PT at the gym, and he got me to start lifting these fucking weights and doing goblet squats like King Arthur doing a shit.

And before yer can wank off yer dad, yer wearing these tiger skin Speedos and doing breaststroke across…