I Had a Lucid Vision of Hell While Meditating

I’m not even joking, you bastards

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s all of the ‘Surrender to Jesus Christ’ bullshit posts that have been randomly invading my Substack feed lately, possibly as a ‘throw a chicken skewer to the crocodile’ move by the literati to see if I bite.

I mean, it’s easy, isn’t it? If someone is into Jesus, keep feeding them Jesus-related content, and job done.

Another satisfied Substack customer.

But maybe it was because I’ve been roasting my Christmas chestnuts in the sauna after reading about the benefits, such as reducing the body’s levels of HGH (Heavy Gonad Hormone), which causes men’s sacks to hang lower with age.

Regardless, I sat in the half-lotus position, letting my body rest like an unclipped haystack, waiting on the empty breath like the final wind of a fading fox, resting my mind like a child playing dead, floating in the ethereal swimming pool.

That’s when it happened.

First, I saw a logo.

It was a luminous chilli, flashing like a neon sign in 1930s LA. And not just any chilli. It was a Carolina Reaper, with its distinctive wrinkled, evil, pointy look.