I Interviewed the Son of God About a Potential Return to Earth

He’s just a normal guy like us

I’ve been thinkin’ hard about when I ran into Jesus during my vision of hell. In case you didn’t watch that episode, Jesus was working as a tour guide in hell for various reasons which I won’t go into here.

And I just couldn’t get that cool bastard out of my mind.

I had more questions for that son of a bitch.

So I went to see the mountain-dwelling yogi Shanshek.

He said,

“Frank, if you want to visit hell again, all you have to do is perform the circle of rites while meditating on the fourteenth chakra in the primary wheel of your azure heart jewel.”

And honestly, if I knew it was gonna be that easy, I wouldn’t have bothered trecking five hundred miles like those specky Scottish twats to see the old fuck.

So that night before bed, I ate two crumpets to settle the inner winds and I masturbated twice, first standing up straight in the posture of the talking pencil, then once in a crouched position while doing a shit in the middle of my bed. Finally, I smeared faeces in my eyes and wrote the magical symbols on my chest in a mixture of semen and the blood of the midnight badger, as per Shanshek’s instructions.

And just like that, I was standing back in the reception area of hell where…