What is distribution anyway?

Medium Distribution Is Like The Kiss of Death

And I can prove it you fuckers

Frank T Bird

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Wiki

Dear Medium Streetwalkers

I remember the first god damn time I got curated. I nearly spunked in my pants.*

It was the first article I wrote on Medium, and for the first time in my life, I truly experienced being a winner like my hero — cyclist Lance Armstrong.

Under the story, it read, Chosen for further distribution. But all I saw was the word chosen. I was the chosen one. I was bigger than Jesus, The Beatles, Justin Beaver, Beyonce, Nietzsche, Santa Claus, Hitler, Umair Haque, Jessica Wildbush and Cocky Cockerton — the cockiest cockhead in Cockville (RIP Cocky 1953–2017).

The story went on to make an astonishing $23.59, which I spent on a can of baked beans, a packet of elastic bands, a jar of coconut oil and a February 1992 copy of Playboy featuring Whoopi Goldberg.

As the months limped on, I kept getting distributed by Medium and had a few more baked bean days.

But, I began to look at the effect of distribution on my story views. I shouldn’t have done that because my findings were less than satisfactory. Eventually, I stopped checking to see if Medium had deemed my story worthy of distribution because I realised distribution did fuck all.

And that’s fine. Yet another useless thing — harmless, but doing fuck all, like the treadmill in my carport.

But what if it’s not neutral? What if the highly sought-after Medium distribution badge is like he who shall not be named walking up to your story, blasting green light at it from his magic cock and shouting A***A K*****A through his slitty, snaky nose and mouth?

For those of you who are not fans of The Lord of the Rings, I’m saying that I have to wonder now if Medium curation/distribution does more damage than good. And I’m not basing this on a hunch. Look below.

ALL IMAGES FTB MEDIUM

Do you notice a pattern there?

Except for the last, which gained an extra twenty views after a few days, every bloody article has taken a swift nose dive upon being distributed.

It’s like the opposite of literary viagra. It’s the Yoko Ono of publication.

It’s like Ronaldo arriving at Man Utd. Everyone wants him there. He is supposed to increase the success, but somehow results take a massive nosedive instead.

Now, I’m not saying Medium is doing this on purpose, mainly because I don’t want them to stop distributing my stories to punish my subordination.

Look, it’s a gaslighting thing, a trauma reaction, or Stockholm Syndrome or something. I’m not quite sure yet.

But I might be proposing that there is some kind of bug. Because, unless I really misunderstand something, isn’t Medium distribution supposed to increase views? And let’s face it, if it’s the same people handling distribution that handle the Medium mobile app, anything is possible.

Of course, there’s one last option. It could be just me.

Maybe someone doesn’t like the words fuck or cunt or piss. I mean, enough people have told me they don’t want me to use them anymore.

Maybe someone doesn’t like auto-erotic tales or tales of political corruption. Perhaps it’s one of those Medium office jokes like the bin being a file. Maybe the in-joke is that distribution means they print it, set fire to it, dance around it like Swayze or chop it into tiny bits with a light sabre like that green guy in Star Wars — Yoga or whatever.

These are not my only tragically distributed stories. There’s plenty more but I just can’t be fucked printing the charts.

I have to say that I can't find one occasion where the distribution has actually benefited the article. So stick that in yer arse crack pipe and smoke it.

I think that’s about it for now. I’d say let me know in the comments what you think, but I don’t want to sound like a knobhead because I’m terrified of being judged, you judgemental pricks. So fuck you. Do with it what you will.

Live Long and Prosper.

May the Dwarves be with you.

FTB

*Okay, I admit it, I did spunk in my pants.

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