Betterlovebetterlifeyoumenks
Oral Sex Tips For Everybody
It’s 2022, People. Get your mouth game together.
WARNING: SEXUAL STUFF AHEAD
I know what yer thinking. Frank’s gone all sexual.
First, he writes a piece about losing his virginity to a twelve-year-old. Now he is telling us how to provide greater oral pleasure.
I won’t deny it. I’m feeling a little horny. It’s a combination of the prospect of nuclear war and an upcoming election. Still, I’m forty-five, and I have given and received a lot of oral pleasure in my time and in this world where humans are being suffocated by our own self-interest, what better practise is there than this selfless act of giving the highest pleasure to another human you love?
Also, I’m sick to death of the sexual shame that we have dumped on us from an early age so fuck it.
In the words of Salt n Pepper, Let’s talk about oral sex.
Down to business, if you’ll excuse the pun.
We live in an age where anyone can stick their head in anyone’s knickers without (theoretically) getting burned at the stake, and damn, regardless of your orientation, that is something to be celebrated. Concerning that theoretical notion, I want to address both primary types of genitals for maximum helpfulness.
In saying this, I understand there are other types of genital such as the giant clitty and the micropenis and the chicken sandwich and the exposed ring and the Hulk Hogan. They all fascinate me greatly, but I shall focus on two here — the standard P-NIS and the Standard V-JINA.
The standard V-JINA
I must admit to still having a sense of wonder and mystery when faced with a beautiful pussy. I acknowledge that many people (probably women) know a great deal more about how to tackle the ‘Pit of Carkoon’ than I do. But, all I can do is share my little knowledge, perhaps as a stimulus for readers to explore further knowledge via the world wide web.
It’s tricky to explain this stuff and easier to show it, but that’s not happening here. Hopefully, you can further clarify these techniques through your research. There isn’t one way. Ronaldo and Messi are both world-class footballers but very different in their techniques. Apologies for the football pun.
The following is just the stuff I have learned to use pretty effectively.
Regardless, there is no damn excuse if your partner has a pussy to be totally shit at licking it or to have little interest in licking it. It’s a fucking damn pleasure for the person receiving it, so stop your bitching, grab some napkins and your raincoat and get down to it.
I like to start with the outer lips.
Sometimes I start by breathing onto the outer lips with a HA breath like I am breathing onto a car window to draw something. This breath is warm, and if you do it a few times, you should notice the lips quivering as you stimulate the delicate nerves and increase the sense of anticipation.
Depending on the situation, I will then slowly lick each pussy lip alternately from bottom to top and back. When I say slowly here, I mean slowly. Speed is no-ones friend at this point. Particularly if you have a cock taking over your brain, there is the temptation to dive in and do that speedy waggle with your tongue that you see in pornos. Avoid that at all costs. You should put aside a minimum of twenty minutes to fully treat the pussy, and at least the first half of that should be prolonged and gentle. Use it as a meditation, focusing on the experience without shooting ahead to the future.
Make your tongue very limp as if it is asleep.
You don’t want a stiff tongue yet. You are dragging your limp tongue from the top to the bottom of each pussy lip as if you are dragging a corpse. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s. Drag it slowly up and down — left then right then left then right. Try and do it twenty-one times on each side, stimulating the nerves down each lip. You can also lick upward in the area between the pussy lip and the thigh. This can drive someone crazy if you do it right.
For brave souls who want the whole experience
You can hoist your lover’s thighs up, pushing their knees toward their chest like you are doing an overhead press. You can get them to hold their knees. Put a cushion under their hips to lift them a little to make it easier. What is the point, you ask? Well, the point is to expose their arsehole. You begin by gently dragging your limp tongue in a circle around their arsehole, starting wide and then getting closer to the centre in circles. Again, be aware of any twitching. Enjoy it. Try and do it at least eleven times in each direction.
Now you can bring just a little pressure into your tongue. Make as much saliva as you can and lick the arsehole from an inch below to an inch above it like a lollypop. You should get into this with enthusiasm like it is a cherry flavoured Chupachup. And hey, look, people will bitch about bacteria and the like, and if it bothers you, then don’t do it. You can read all kinds of things about going back and forth between arsehole and pussy. Since the nineties, I’ve been doing it and have never had any issues, but don’t take my word for it. Follow your instincts and lick at your own risk.
Back to the pussy
Whether you have taken a vacation south or are still dragging your limp tongue up and down the north walls, you can now part them a little and let your gentle tongue rest, still for a minute, right in this beautiful hole like an egg sits in an egg cup. Again, feel every sensation and twitch for a moment, then begin circling the entrance very slowly. Do a few rounds clockwise and a few the other way.
Your tongue is still very soft at this point. You should be able to feel some good heat developing and see the pussy turning bright pink as the blood begins to gather in that area. As the pussy nectar builds up, mix it with your saliva, which should also be building up. Don’t swallow it yet but keep mixing it with the nectar. Every eleven slow circles, scoop it all up onto the clitoris, soaking it in juice. Repeat this a few times, circle left slowly eleven times, circle right slowly eleven times, and scoop up the nectar onto the clit.
You can do this for a while. It will feel very pleasurable.
Now you can scoop the nectar right up onto the clit and begin work on it.
Don’t lick it directly but only through the protective layer of skin from either side. Remember to keep the tongue very soft and limp and lick either side slowly. You numb all the incredible nerves if you get too quick or too stiff. Lick one side, then the other, and then do a gentle circle of the clit a few times in each direction.
Slow and steady and soft and gentle win the race.
While your tongue gently takes care of the clit, allow your index finger to take over the job of circling the pussy entrance AKA Frodo’s front door. Make your finger as soft and limp as your tongue was and circle left and right eleven times as slowly as before. After each circle of eleven times on each side, slide your index finger in and out of the pussy three or four times, beginning with an inch deep and gradually going deeper, then getting shallower again.
Keep going in and out with your finger until you reach the cervix — a mysterious ring located deep in the pussy. Once you discover it, begin circling it the same way you circulated the entrance. It will feel like some kind of lifesaver ring. You can circle the outside of the ring and then the inside of the ring. Do it eleven times each, then slide the finger in and out of the pussy six or seven times. Then circle the entrance again.
There are many different areas inside the pussy that you can explore with your finger. Each has its unique electrical signal and is relatively different in different people. Feel free to take a minute or two to explore some other areas. Your tongue is still slowly and gently licking the clit on each side then doing circles around it.
Now gently remove your index finger and replace it with your two middle fingers and your palm facing up as if holding a tray of drinks.
Your two outer fingers (Index and pinky) are pointing out like you are making the devil’s sign at a rock concert in the eighties. The outer fingers lie along each of the upper inner thighs.
You might want to come onto your knees at this point to get good leverage. As you lick the clit bring a little more force into your tongue. You take the speed up very slightly but keep the same motions — one side, then the other then circle in each direction. With your two middle fingers, which are now hooked somewhat like a hockey stick, you press them upward into the roof of the pussy.
Start right at the back as deep as you can and massage from the back to the front as if you are painting a ceiling. You can do this back to front, stroking three or four times, then circle the fingers in the whole pussy as if you are stirring a pot of honey like Winnie the Pooh. Paint the ceiling and stir the honey pot. Paint the ceiling and stir the honey pot. Occasionally, if you can pinpoint the right place, you can push your fingers right up into the ceiling as if you are trying to bust through the roof. Get your lover to guide you on that spot. Push right up, quicken the tongue on the clit a bit more, slow down, and quicken again. Then stir the honey pot again.
Now you are gradually ramping up the speed of the tongue on the clit. You are still not direct but ‘through the curtain’ — the protective layer of skin on either side. Paint the ceiling vigorously and aggressively but only paint the front third of the ceiling. Paint it hard and lick it hard. Then slow down and do it again. Alternate between fast and slow motions.
Now, hammer that clit until your tongue starts cramping and paint the front third of the ceiling like your life depends on it. Alternate between painting the front third of the ceiling and straight-up penetrating the pussy with two fingers like you are fucking it hard and stirring the honey pot.
Keep hammering that clit with your tongue.
And for the grand finale.
Get up and kneel to one side of your lover. Keep your two middle fingers in the pussy and rest the heel of your palm on the pubic bone. Place your left hand above it and use it to hold the hips in place. Now stir the honey pot, stir, stir, stir. Then move your hand up and down in a swift motion while your two middle fingers hit the front third of the ceiling as hard as you can. It's almost like you are trying to break through the front wall with your two fingers or trying to whisk the honey up and down rather than stir it. Be fairly rough at this point. It helps if you are fit as it’s a cardio and strength workout. You can tell you are getting it because the pussy starts to make a sloshing sound.
If your lover relaxes, this practice can induce ejaculation. The pussy might spray some nectar. Sometimes, it can be bucket loads. The more they relax, the more this can happen. It can feel like letting go and pissing, but this can be blissful if you are comfortable with each other.
I think that’s it for now. You can get this information on the line. The intention here is to give a starting guide and stimulate further research, and now my hands and tongue are exhausted from all this work, so I need a rest.
The standard P-NIS
From what I can tell, there is a lot of similarity between P-NIS and V-GINA. The difference is just a matter of further development. This is why you can get the big clitty and other genital types. It is a shame that our understanding of gender is binary. There are many amazing forms of genitals to explore. While the clitoris can range from a tiny dot to long, erect, almost cock like proportions, the cock is the same. It can be micropenis sized or seriously Loch Ness monster.
The same principles apply as with the methods above.
It’s always better to begin slow and gentle and give plenty of time to build up and use strokes that move in straight lines and circles.
If you are committed, you can begin by kissing and licking all around the area but not actually on the cock and balls. It’s up to you how adventurous you are, but you can even choose to go in for the arsehole if you like, as explained above.
Even if you don’t, it’s nice to kiss and lick the area between the balls and the thighs as above. Afterwards, you can explore the perineum, a massively erogenous zone. You should think of it as a closed over pussy — basically a pussy where the lips have been sewn shut. Treat it the same, dragging your tongue gently up and down each side, then letting your tongue rest on the centre and circling it as if you are in the pussy. If you imagine it like a pussy in this way, you can treat it the same as above. You may have to hold the ballsack out of the way.
Think of the cock and balls as an overdeveloped clitoris.
When you move your attention North, your fingers take over from the tongue on the perineum. Stroke it gently and gradually start to press it. Again ask your lover to guide you to the best area, but generally, it’s further back toward the arsehole as in the same place where the vagina would be.
Now move your mouth to the ballsack. Alternate between circling it with your tongue and licking it like a lollypop. Then take each ball in your mouth alternately and suck it like a cherry Chupachup. Don’t be afraid to apply quite a firm suck. As you will see, suction is very much your friend through this whole process. Concentrate on sucking the balls for a while. Ask your lover to tell you if you suck too hard but otherwise, don’t be afraid to suck the bollocks right off.
Next, you move up to the shaft. This is where people can make the common mistake of thinking their mouth needs to replicate the tube-like effect of a vagina, and you get people making an O with their mouths and bobbing up and down. And look, any kind of oral sex is great but doing the loose OH BOB will not get you the best results.
You should start by licking the shaft from the perineum up the ballsack and then from the base of the shaft to the tip. Do this a few times slowly. Next, pull back the hood of the cock if there is one and again drag your tongue from the base of the cock to the tip a few times. In between each tongue drag, lick the back of the cock head (Frenulum) a few times like a lollypop. This back area of the cockhead is the most sensitive bit and can be likened to the direct clitoris. Focus on alternating between licking it and licking the whole length of the shaft.
Your hand, at this point, should be massaging the ballsack quite firmly. Alternate between fondling them like stress balls and tugging on the ballsack, stretching it out like pizza dough. Massaging the balls and sack is good for sperm production. The more you do it, the more spunk you will make.
Next, move your mouth to the head of the cock properly. Place the whole head in your mouth, and then suck. But don’t suck gently. Suck like you are trying to suck the head of the cock off. This will drive them crazy. If you can, alternate between sucking the head of the cock at industrial level and then letting the cock slide down your throat as much as you can. Then come up and do a few OH BOBS but not with a loose mouth. Do it with the same sucking pressure.
The secret to this whole thing is high-pressure vacuum-sealed sucking.
Now, take your mouth off and wank that cock by hand. Wank for a few seconds. Go on. Then put your mouth back on and suck like a maniac. Suck the head, suck, suck, suck hard, then deepthroat, then a few high-pressure OH BOBS and suck the head again. Then pull off and wank by hand for a little longer this time. When your hand isn’t wanking, alternate between massaging and pulling on the ballsack and massaging the perineum with your two middle fingers. If you can locate the right place, you can also push into the g-spot but get your lover’s guidance because the wrong spot can be painful.
Every three rounds of alternate sucking and wanking, lick again from the perineum right up to the tip of the cock a couple of times, then lick the back of the cock head a few times.
If you can work out what I am talking about here, the person with the cock will blow quite quickly.
Such is the hurricane nature of these methods. If you are doing something quickly, like in a public bathroom, focus on licking the back of the cockhead at the start, then massage the ballsack while alternating between industrial level cockhead vacuum sucking and wanking by hand.
I don’t know why I wrote this article. I just like to share whatever comes out, and honestly, this is what came out, so I hope it is helpful to someone somewhere. And once again, let it be a stimulus for further learning. There is plenty of info online about this stuff.
I genuinely believe that self-interest is the greatest thing holding humans back as a race. Oral sex is a beautiful way to go beyond your needs and provide celestial pleasure to someone you love. Let’s go beyond the post-Christian sexual shame that causes people to play out their fantasies in increasingly concerning ways. And remember that the liquids you take in through the process are like ultra vitamins, so drink them up.
The wetter, the better.
Enjoy
