Literary shortcuts for lazy bastards
Publishing A Book is Easy if You Fuck Off All The Rules
To prove it, I published one of the bastards
It’s not about laziness, is it?
It’s about how writers get frozen like slain snowpeople when we read all the damn things you ‘have’ to do to self-publish your book.
I don’t want to sound like Anthony Knobbins or that cockhead monk who sold his Lamborghini or whatever but fuck it. For centuries I was whipped into inaction by listening to the pretentious cunts of the online writing industry and their seven thousand-step plans to becoming a self-published author.
But gradually, like Terry the perverted Yeti, I thawed out from that sub-zero hell. Let me tell you how I did it.
I started by deciding to take every shortcut known to humanity, breaking all the damn rules, and not listening to anyone.
Ironically I did this with the support of a few Medium friends who stood on the sidelines, grabbing their scrotums or titties and chanting for me to go ahead and break the rules like I was in some fight on the backfield after school with Alpho, the gypsy kid in 1992.
I ain’t gonna name anyone cos yer a bunch of pricks. Also, I don’t wanna miss anyone like it’s the fucking Oscars or some shit. It already feels like I said too much. I’m gonna need a bloody mary tomorrow after this.
So it goes like this:
1. Write yer book
In my case, I haven’t published my Novelinski cos I’m getting some celestial eyeballs on it first. But I wanted to publish a book anyway to pop my hairy cherry. So I grabbed a shit ton of my best stories from Medium and combined them into a damn book. May I suggest you do the same if a lack of content freezes you?
Next, don’t bother submitting the bastard to some fancy agent or publisher who will make you sweat for six months to decide whether to suck you off like a vacuum cleaner or bugger your arsehole with a shiv like you are Harvey Weenerschteen. Instead, say to yourself:
I’m gonna publish the shit out of this bad boy myself, Turds.
2. Self-edit the shit out of it
Professional editing is one of the things all the grey apes say is the next critical step. And this step paralysed me both financially and logistically.
Where will I get a grand to pay an editor? Am I supposed to pimp my anus out the back of Cheggers nightclub like my cousin Steamboat? Also, who can understand the shit I write enough to improve it?
So I learned editing myself to the degree that I’m still a fecking pleb at it, but my writing (I believe) is free from typos and those damn fragments and shit that Grammarly always goes on about. And yeah, if ya wanna be a truly lazy fuck, you could solely rely on Grammarly or that knob Hemingway (The app, not the drunken bastard). Personally, I don’t trust any of those things. Grammarly is always gaslighting me, that little prick. So I use them, but I don’t trust them. I don’t want to sound like a cock but learn some shit for yourself at least.
And then move on. And yeah, yer have to try and resist that sacred pull in yer perineum that makes ya cry into yer Shredded Wheat and say to yourself:
What if it’s not good enough? What if I’M not good enough?
Replace it with an authoritarian voice that says.
Fuck the world. I’ll do it just to piss everyone off.
3. Download this program called Atticus
I’ll be honest. This will cost ya some cash: $147USD, to be exact.
It’s been created by that Dave Cheese guy from Kindlepreneur. And look, I tried formatting shit myself, and honestly, it’s just a fucking pain in the front side. Fortunately, I still had a few coins left from my last corporate reaming. So I bought it.
Is it good?
No, it’s shit. And it’s full of fucking bugs that will piss you right off. But I don’t care cos you dump writing into it, and it pumps out a damn EPUB file. And that's what you need.
It’s a piece of shit. But it’s easy. And apparently, yer only pay the dosh once and get all the updates.
4. Join that cock rocket bastards website
KDP or whatever. Work that shit out for yourself. Fill out the turd. It’s not cock rocket science. Upload yer EPUB. Then join Draft2Digital, who will distribute to every bastard in the known universe. What's that? Fees? Who gives a shit, you ain't sold one book yet, ya turd lover.
5. Design a cover
Do it in Canva. Make it as shit as yer like. Fuck it. Download as a jpeg, then upload to KDP
6. Submit yer book and go to bed
When yer wake up the next day, you are a published author, you knob.
7. Feel the hot sun of freedom melting yer Siberian jewels
This is elf-explanatory I believe.
But Frank, what about — Don’t I need beta readers?
I wouldn’t call them that cos you sound like a true Schmunk. But sure, get people to read yer books if ya want. Or don’t. It’s up to you. But don’t pay anyone to do it. Fuck it. If yer work is shit, publish it just to piss off the world. Why not?
Don’t I need a professional editor?
You ain’t Stephen King, you dweeb. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Sure, if ya got left a few $mill by yer aunt Mildred, do it. But if yer got loads of money already, why the fuck are you writing a book?
Go enjoy your life instead, you bellend.
If you don’t have $, just don’t worry. Edit it the best yer can. My Lad Mike Knittel put me onto Last Exit to Brooklyn. If ye think professional editing is compulsory, read that.
It’s a beautiful mess.
And anyhow, when you think about it, the only people you will piss off by not editing are the pretentious literary knobs. And from where I am sitting, that’s a God damn victory.
Don’t I need to pay a cover designer?
Only if ya had both your arms blown off during NAM or if you are a dead Fox on the side of the road called Phillip. If you have eyes and two hands, go to Canva and design a piece of shit cover. The cover of my hairy cherry book is an iPhone picture of a public toilet wall. I don’t know, spunk onto an apple and take a picture of it. Who cares? Just do it yourself. Pro cover designs are so damn dull.
Don’t I need an ISBN?
I wrestled with this one. But how will people find my book? No one is looking for your book, you knob. Don’t pay for an ISBN, and don’t use Amazon’s free one. Go without an ISBN. If your book has an original name, people will find it by its title. That’s it. Don’t get sucked in by the bullshit.
Don’t I need a typesetter or someone to format the text?
Technically you don’t need anything. Atticus will show you the layout, and then Amazon will again before ya publish. If it’s still fucked up after that, it’s yer karma.
As I keep saying, just publish it anyway to piss off the world.
What about the print book?
Again, yer, not Stephen King, ya knob. Ya wanna publish a book? Start slow like a tortoise loser. Publish an ebook for now. It’s easy. Think about margins, bleed, and shit down the track.
Don’t I need to use a title generator?
If you use a title generator, you shouldn’t be a writer. You just don’t have what it takes, Kid. Buck up and write yer own damn title. Fuck what all those blood-sucking bastards say.
Here is my secret technique for coming up with a title.
- Think about something
- Use it as the title.
And look, Im not gonna be one of those cocks that writes about writing, but I think this is important shit.
Here is my first book on cockrocket.com in all its glory. If you buy it and review it, I’ll get Steamboat to give yer a reach around:
Good Luck Fuckers
