Six Sexual Positions You have To Try In 2022
OK, so maybe you’re thinking, ‘but Frank, I don’t have a partner to ‘do it’ with’.
Look, don’t worry yer little rabbit brain, OK? I’m including the solo version of each of these so yer can have a go by yerself. It’s stupid that people associate being alone with loneliness. It would help if you tried masturbating and only thinking about yourself sometimes. Maybe watch yourself in the mirror and wink at yourself. It’s weird at first, but if ya wanna increase self-confidence, it’s a good way.
Anyway, if, like me, yer have been married for a few years, yer might find that sex becomes a routine like changing the kitty litter, watering the garden, or cleaning the vague piss off the walls around yer toilet.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
Step one: Kiss a bit.
Step two: Touch titties and play with your hands a bit.
Step three: Get the lube involved.
Step four: Either assume the missionary position or the ‘PARALLEL-S’ position, like a lazy man’s doggie style only performed whilst lying down on one’s side.
Step five: Calculate female orgasm. Use intellect and experience like you are Russell Crowe writing on a window to work out whether your wife had an orgasm or not.
Step Six: Conclude she must have and then try and ejaculate by using reverse psychology on yourself, such as telling yourself you must go as long as possible and mustn’t get your wife pregnant.
Step Seven: Give up because your arms are too tired from not doing enough bicep curls or because your wrist is hurting after being tricked into using a so-called ergonomic vertical mouse.
Step Eight: Lie down for four and a half minutes watching Frasier until feeling horny again.
Step Nine: Move into missionary and wank off until you are about to ejaculate, then stick it in and somehow think yourself out of it again.
Step Ten: Wait till your wife is asleep and wank off thinking about Cardi-B.
Fear not. These positions will help spice things up.
1.) The Cliffhanger
This is a good one to start with because it stretches the woman’s body.
- The woman holds onto the top of a door and hangs down from it as if she is hanging on a cliff.
- Then the man has to bend his legs and stick his cock in.
- He can then control her by swinging and pulling her into him freely rather than thrusting his hips.
- Be careful that the door doesn’t close and trap the woman’s fingers. It’s good to pad the door entrance out with cushions to prevent this.
- The advanced version of this is to go and find an actual cliff face and hang off it. Both lovers should be secured by harnesses in this case.
- TIP: For extra horniness, talk dirty in a Sylvester Stallone accent.
Attach yourself to the top of the door with old ties or ropes. Hang down and feel your body flapping around as you wank freely.
2.) The Reverse Steak Tenderiser
- In the traditional steak tenderiser, the woman lies flat on her front, and the man lies on top of her slamming her into the ground from behind as if her arse cheeks are two eye fillets and your cock is a spikey wooden hammer.
- This was the first position to create the staccato effect that turned Oh God, Oh God into O—O—O—H—H—G—O—O—O—D—D.
- The difference with the reverse position is that the man traps his cock between his legs to make the ‘fake fanny’.
- He then pops himself up and down in crab pose or ardha purvottanasana as if fucking the woman with a cock growing from his anus.
- Tip: The man should make the ‘De-Niro face’ while performing this move.
Find a local golf course at night. Lie down in ardha purvottanasana on the green over the hole and tenderise the shit out of it. Don’t forget to remove the pin first. Take one of those golf repairing tools to fix any divots.
3.) The Larry Bird
This is one of those moves which requires experience and courage.
- It begins with the woman tying the man’s arms behind his back.
- The man stands up on a high object such as a table or desk.
- The woman then lies on the bed and pulls her legs up to her ears (or as far back as possible.)
- Then, the man launches himself into the air into the bomb position (Please see the no bombing sign at your local swimming pool for more information).
- The woman yells ‘From Downtown’ as loud as she can.
- The man aims to land his penis straight in her either directly or off the rim.
- You can adjust this to an oral or anal version according to one’s preference. Please ensure to use lube if attempting the ‘Anal Larry Bird’.
Again, you can utilise the local golf course. Take your table or desk to the green at night, tie yourself up and yell ‘From downtown’ yourself as you aim to land a three-pointer in the cup. Mini-golf courses are also suitable for these things as long as there are no children around.
4.) ‘Fill Her Up Please’
- The woman sits on a high chair with her legs open and eyes closed.
- The man makes a brum brum sound as if driving a car and then pulls up next to her.
- He takes his cock out and slips it into her.
- Then the woman opens her eyes and starts counting up from $0.00. She keeps counting $5, $10, $20 etc until she climaxes.
- The man pulls out his cock, pretends to pay an imaginary attendant, gets back in the car and makes the brum brum sound again as he drives off.
- Tip: For extra horniness, imagine the attendant is watching from behind the counter.
The only way to do this solo is to use a real car. Drive up to a local petrol station, get out of your car and instead of filling the car with petrol, start having sex with the petrol hole instead. Once you ejaculate, go inside and pay the attendant.
5.) The Advanced Horny Fetus
- For this to work correctly, the man needs a tiny head, and the woman needs a surprisingly large vagina.
- The man should put a condom on his head if it is not the plan of the couple to get pregnant.
- The man should then lube up his head and slide it into the woman’s vagina. This may take some time to ‘work’ the lips.
- For best results, the man should wax his head and face.
- Once the man’s head is all the way in, he should talk dirty to his wife from inside her womb while stimulating various erogenous zones with his tongue, nose and eyeballs.
Get a bin liner from the cupboard and fill it with seventeen kilos of ham, chicken, beef and whatever other raw meat you can get your hands on. Strap an elastic band around the bin liner entrance, then stick your head in and wank while pretending the bin liner is a horny celebrity’s vagina.
6.) The Greta Thunberg
- Every time your wife throws a recyclable into the regular bin, pin her up against the kitchen wall.
- Make a strange face and yell, ‘How dare you?’
- Engage in rough sex as punishment.
Every time you catch yourself throwing a recyclable into the regular bin, yell ‘How dare you?’ at yourself and wank off in the kitchen.
Warning: This move may lead to increased anti-climate action.
In the words of Aristotle toward the end of his masterpiece ‘Poetics’:
Ya gotta keep it fresh, Bruv innit?
With the endless availability of porn and the ever-sharpening anal activewear trends in our society, even celebrities might have difficulty nurturing fresh and lasting relationships. And in these times of viruses and rising food costs, what better way to take your mind off the possibilities of extreme world destruction than by freshening up your sex life.
I’m sure everyone will agree that these positions, while not well known now, may well be in the mainstream before we know it.
DISCLAIMER: This ‘listicle’ was born from the heart of a writer’s block so dark it’s not even there. The block resulted from writing corporate shite for currency and the fact that I’ve been out in the estate practising my dressage moves with Fifi and ‘Cubes’.
Father told me last night that cousin Fern is coming to visit with her two dogs, Isla and Pisla. It’s a sticky situation because the last time she visited, I woke up, and her hand was on my Jolly Roger, pulling me off like she was a milkmaid and I was a fine specimen of Northern Dairy Shorthorn.
Breakfast was awkward the next day. We were eating Arthur’s speciality Cumberland sausage and black pudding, but every time I took a bite of sausage, Cousin Fern looked at me smiling.
Anyway, I believe I am more prepared for her advances this time. I have stretched an old set of mummy’s leggings and soaked them in a mixture of habanerium potassium and sodium chloride. The resulting non-porous wall formed a material that is both workable and impenetrable. I used an avocado shell from the kitchen to mould it into a cup for my Jolly Roger. Then I secured it in place with one of Daddy’s special belts and three small suitcase padlocks. I figure she will have a hard time undoing that.