Technology is shite
The Internet Is Getting Shitter
Is it heading towards its Use By Date?
In 1997, while staying with my parents, I attempted to download a picture of a naked woman.
The first half of the photograph took several minutes, and by the time the second nipple was visible, it was ten minutes. As I waited for the legs and vagina to load, I got my cock in hand and prepared myself. That’s when my Mum walked in. And I tried to shut that fucker down. But that damn X in the top corner was inert. I clicked and clicked, but it just wouldn’t close.
“Oh, Frank,” she said, “No”. That was it. We said nothing more about the event. But needless to say, I blamed technology for that humiliating fuck up, and I never attempted to look at porn at my parent’s house again.
Then for a long time, the internet got better.
You could call it the golden age. Broadband became a thing, thus reducing the risk of getting caught ‘jerking off’ by yer Mum or wife or whoever. Porn became more readily available. Sites like BitTorrent meant you could illegally download any movie or TV show you wanted. Even the turd that is social media was either unborn or in that early phase where the developers, still filled with spunk and optimism, promised never to turn their beautiful connection apps into money-making machines.
But as always, humans took a big fucking shit into the internet gazpacho and ruined the party for everyone. Everyone started to use the internet to make money. You might think that’s hypocritical given the nature of this very platform, and perhaps it is. The movement of everything into the online world has its pros and cons.
Who would doubt how fucking good it is not to carry a wallet and risk getting robbed by a meth-addicted marsupial behind a supermarket? At the same time, though, and without sounding like some tin foil whackjob, what if there is a solar flare or a cyber attack or something that takes out ‘the internet’? We have to realise that fucking everything relies on it. Im talking about the hospital system, the banking system, the police system, defence systems, electricity, gas, supermarkets, banking, wanking. The list goes on and on.
Without the internet, we are not just mildly buggered. We are apocalyptically screwed as a species.
But that’s not what this article is about.
It’s about the fact that I used to look for information on the internet and find it. But now, all I see is a giant cesspool of blogs and turd websites spouting different information with the goal of selling you something or getting you to sign up for something.
Any old goose shagger from Alabama can learn a bit about SEO and get his blog on nutrition to the top of the pile. But it will always be behind yer websites that only follow government guidelines — WebMD, Healthline and all those.
But Frank, surely they are the official ones you want if you research nutrition, right?
No thanks. While the government allows lobbying by any corporation, how the fuck can we trust anything they say? That’s not some leftist conspiracy theory either, you idiots. It’s just basic logic. Lobbying is not a fable. It’s a fact, and every god damn decision your government makes has been paid for by a business somewhere.
Would you buy a hot dog from a vendor you saw fingering his anus five minutes earlier?
Anyway, I’m not sure if the internet has ever been a place of clarity. But now it’s fucking damn hard to find out anything. And, the information that gets to the top is not the information that might be most helpful regardless of what Google might tell you. It goes:
First: The sites that pay Google to be there.
Second: The sites that spend fucktons on SEO and backlinks and all that shit.
And look, I know everyone is gonna head into the virtual Nintendo Wii, aka the metaverse soon.
It’s a wonderful paradise where everyone can go to electronic discos and take electronic MDMA and snort electronic lines in the toilet and sniff electronic amyl nitrate to soften their electronic sphincters and go for electronic coffee the morning after. But I’m hoping the internet doesn’t end up as some abandoned wasteland like a significant portion of America. Cos, I’m not fucking planning on going into the damn metaverse.
And, thanks to the damn stupid marketing, the old dark web still feels too dark to me like it’s Knockturn Alley, and some creepy dark Slytherin wizard is gonna try and sell me a frog’s cock in a pickle jar that will make me unstoppable at Quidditch. I know some people call it the Freenet or free web or something. I think Im going to have to get my Louis Theroux t-shirt on and look into that.
In the meantime, Im gonna keep digging through the piles of shite like a hungry seagull at a rubbish tip.
The problem is there’s too much fucking information now, just like there are too many films and too much TV and too much music and too many photos and too much porn. We are just becoming fucking god damn numb to everything. At least I am.
Take me back to the nineties when a CD or a tape was like a bar of gold. Remember how Keith Richards spoke about catching a train across London just to listen to a Muddy Waters record? Remember that little collection of VHS or DVDs that you wore down watching the same films repeatedly? Remember the rush of buying a porno mag and getting it home or the first time you saw a porno film?
We’re living in an age of luxury and opulence that far exceeds any King, Queen or Emperor that has ever lived.
And yet we are more fucking miserable than ever as a species. Doesnt that tell us something? Isn’t there a reason people are trying to get back to lives of simplicity and nature?
Because every time you own something new, you have to split yourself into yet another piece. You have to separate yet another part of your consciousness. And the more you split it, the more you sink into the mire of dualistic turd and feel more isolated and lonely.
And the internet is just one of those things that was good for a while, but now it’s too much. There’s too much of it.
So maybe we need to start again and have a few different internets or something to spread out all the piece of shit blogs and scam sites and government-sanctioned ‘information services’ and various left or right or central news channels and social media turds? And then let’s go back to a few DVDs and a few TV channels. Or let’s invent an app that simulates TV channels. Then let’s ditch Spotify and go back to buying CDs.
Am I naive to think it would be more fun? Maybe. But surely, we have to find a balance between extreme opulence and simple living.
Cos, when there’s always biscuits in the tin, where’s the fun in biscuits?
