Strange Encounters
The Man With Three Cocks
No, it’s not the latest Bond film, before you ask.
I first met Saddam Klopp at the Irish film festival in Belfast in 2011
We got drunk on whiskey, and he confessed to me that he was only the second-ever human born with triphallia — three penises. I thought he was joking since we had a good amount to drink, so I waited for the punchline, but it never came. There was no Google back then to check but he seemed very trustworthy.
I began with the obvious question.
Have you ever had sex with three women at once Saddam? I’m assuming you are straight.
I’m very free with my sexuality Mr Bird. I have made love with all kinds of people but never three at once. I can barely manage even two at once since my penises are all far too close together. The best situation is where I am getting Felicio off three women at once. That’s so wonderful.
So that must have been confusing growing up?
I was fine in my home country, but when I moved to America, they had this fascination with making the boys shower together while the coaches watched. Without my privacy, the first few weeks were like hell. They gave me the nickname Saddam Threecocks. They even did a story in the local paper entitled,
‘Iraqi Kid has an unholy amount of penises’
In America at that time though, If I’m honest, I got more abuse for being an Iraqi than for having three penises.
So how does it work with orgasms and everything?
If I am alone, I can only play with one penis, two max, and if I get it off, I only have a third or two-thirds of an orgasm which is usually very weak and quick. But if I am assisted with all three — only if I can synchronise all three to orgasm simultaneously — it multiplies the energy. It’s a powerful full-body orgasm. I’ve had out-of-body experiences from it, actually.
Once at the peak of orgasm, I saw the inside of the oval office in Washington. I made a good painting of it afterwards and was questioned by the FBI about the level of detail.
Really? Synchronising it must take some work.
Well, yes, and my first wife was always asking me which one should we use today, and I would always say, well, we have four hands, so why not allocate three to me and one to you? Because she was an effortless, powerful climaxer, she never understood what I meant by a quick, weak orgasm.
Later I was unfortunate to meet my second wife, who was born with three vaginas. You would think we would fit together like a glove, but it’s not like that. We connect more mentally than physically.
Anyway, sometimes the whole thing would be like precisely conducting an orchestra. But, then, sometimes I just couldn’t be bothered because the synchronicity thing took so much work and the chances of pulling it off — if you'll excuse the pun — were very slim. Still, sometimes, when it worked, it was like a beautiful symphony by Hans Zimmer, and the mess from the sperm was unbelievable.
Did you ever consider getting into porn?
That’s a question I get all the time. Because I have three penises, people assume I am okay with having sex on camera for money. But they are two different things, right? It’s not different from me asking you. I mean, would you have sex on camera for money Mr Bird?
Well, I would if I had three cocks.
No, it depends more on your personality than how many ‘cocks’ you have, Mr Bird.
I disagree. But anyway —
I’m not a freakshow Mr Bird. And besides, I identify as a woman, making it so much worse.
Really? Why would that make it worse?
I’ll tell you. It’s because Saddam Klopp, The Man with Three Penises, fits very well on a business card, but Saddam Klopp, The Woman with three penises, does not. It goes onto the following line. It’s those extra letters W, O and M. It’s a printing issue.
So what do you do?
I just leave it as Saddam Klopp, the Man with Three Penises, since it’s more convenient even though it makes me very sad.
But why would you put it on a business card anyway? I thought you said you didn’t do porn?
I don’t, but that doesn’t mean I cant utilise my unique quality to get jobs and everything.
So do you show it — I mean, them — to employers?
Well after they see my business card, they always ask to see it, but I never show them.
And do they have names, these three cock of yours?
They do. But this is off the record okay? They are called L******E, M*********D and R*********T.
Holy shit. That’s amazing. Given those names, I have to ask, do you have an even number of balls?
Yes, I do.
And what is that number?
Nine.
So each cock has three balls?
yes
Hmm, it’s no wonder you produce so much spunk right?
Yes, thanks for making that connection Mr Bird.
And your wife, does she have three anuses.
No, only one. Why would she have three?
I’m not sure. Does she have three titties at least?
No, Mr Bird. It’s not Total Recall.
You’re full of shit, aren’t you, Saddam?
Yes, I am Mr Bird. Another drink?
All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Any similarities between this and real events are entirely coincidental. This unholy story was written by FTB during a tremendous case of writer’s block caused by too many hi-protein yoghurts in the holy month of June 2022.
