I’m not John McClane
The Medium Mobile App Is A Fishnet Condom
WARNING: This article is more Vanilla than Robert Matthew Van Winkle queuing for Gaviscon at the chemist.
HOST: It’s a new moon in Gemini today, and as a result, much of the population might feel a sense of insecurity or indecisiveness about their life as the energy resting at the base chakra pulls against your desire to f**k off everything in your life and start afresh on a mountain somewhere with a field full of kale and a pet mountain goat called ‘Eager Phillip’.
Frank T Bird has expressed a feeling of ‘paranoia’ about his recent dive into writing about politics and world events, particularly about high profile figureheads. The reclusive Medium writer told our editor Pete Schmeet,
FRANK: ‘It’s something I said I wouldn’t do since the great Umair Haque situation of 1971. Writing about famous people or politics always leaves you wanting to ditch the platform and work on your novel about a recluse whose goat keeps trying to have sex with him.
Because at some level, you pour your damn heart and soul into that sh*t, and you realise all you will achieve is a couple of hundred claps, $7.82 in taxable revenue and yet another story wasting away in the ether. So why bother?
We might as well sh*t into an empty baked bean can, tie it to a helium balloon and send it into space with a note that says, “Hey nobody, join my Substack newsletter that I never write.” So now I have to recover by writing this damn vanilla article until my blood pressure comes back down. If only I were still in the middle of my two-week weed binge. Then I wouldn’t give a hoot about anything.’
HOST: Thanks, Mr T-Bird. In other news, the famous Medium mobile app has been shat on by a giant pigeon. The app, which once was the envy of the human writing world for its functionality, is now decaying under a mass of luminous white super-phosphate. One eyewitness said,
EYEWITNESS: ‘We used to be able to edit using the app. Now I’m reading through my stories on the app, and let’s say I notice I’ve missed a quotation mark. First, I curse at Grammarly because there is a 96.27% chance that he/she/they f**ked it right up. Then I have to go and find a computer to make changes. And often, I’m in the middle of a shopping mall sucking on a bubble tea and waiting for my wife to finish trying on pants in H&M, so it’s impossible. We might as well go back to the eighties where we carry a pager and have to find a payphone like John McClane in Die Hard 2.
In addition, it’s just impossible to edit your responses to people. I can write four paragraphs in response to someone, and if I’ve used the word tit instead of the word toast, I have to delete the hole damn thing and start again. And now, even the paste function has stopped working. But it’s no surprise. I think Medium needs to look at his/her/their recruitment methods. There are many problems. For instance, my views go down almost immediately when I get distributed. It’s like the M*****fucking kiss of death. It’s like that bastard V**demort has fired green light at my article from his magic twig and said, ‘A**da Kedav — well, you know. S**t I could go on all night. * WHOLE damn it.’
HOST: Phew, a somewhat disgruntled eyewitness there, folks. Apologies for any foul language. Well, it remains to be seen if this person Medium they are talking about fixes those problems. It must be that damn new moon in Gemini, I’m thinking. (Laughter). Anyway, here’s Todd with the weather.
WEATHERMAN: Thanks, Sandy. It looks like the inner paranoia will be echoed by the weather this week. It’s gonna be rain, rain and more p**sing rain. Unless you live in the desert, then it’s gonna be hot and sunny as hell with a 15% chance of Monkeypox. Back to you, Sandy.
HOST: Thanks, Todd. And finally, tonight, Mike Knittel the venerable world skimmer and best selling author of the controversial The God of Travel has sold his hallucinogenic fairy floss company for six hundred billion dollars and decided to write full time on Medium alongside his creative partner Frank T Bird. According to Mr T-Bird,
FRANK: Mike told me he just couldn’t look at another chunk of that fluffy, sugary trippy shite. And, of course, the money on Medium has become too tempting to give up. I mean, I’m paraphrasing here. You should just talk to Mike himself about it.
HOST: Thanks, Frank. Well, maybe we will. Maybe we will.
That’s it for tonight. I’ve been your host Sandy Tunnel. Stay safe.
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