Medium Police are launching an investigation
Where The Fuck Is Kristen Stark?
Medium’s own Amy Poehler is nowhere to be seen
It’s 2020, and I’ve ghostwritten two articles for a food manufacturing entrepreneur from Slovenia.
“What are you gonna do with the articles?” I asked the man, who told me he would publish them on a platform I’d never heard of called ‘Medium’ where apparently writers got paid for blogging.
At that time, I was busy building online blogs in WordPress after paying money to use a company called Wealthy Affiliate. I learned a lot from them and made two blogs which I went on to sell for $1500 and $45, respectively.
I’d just about made it in life.
So, it was another damn eighteen months before I fell onto Medium myself after discovering an article called Six Jokes That Bombed On Stage by a funny blonde named Kristen Stark
EXHIBIT A:
Fuck me, I thought to myself. There are funny people on the internet, and I joined Medium hoping I could reach the same heights of rumbustious cospaturism.
I never told Kristen Stark that she was the reason why I originally joined Medium. But now that she is dead (allegedly), I regret not telling her.
It’s a lesson to us all, folks.
Always tell your heroes that they mean something to you — whether through love letters, pubic hairs and razor blades in the mail or by hiding outside their bathroom and posting their blurred-out nudes on Snapchat.
Regardless. The main point is that Stark is dead (allegedly) and the biggest question on everyone’s lips is: Whodunnit?
The suspects are as follows:
Ginger Cook
Ginger Cook is always the number one suspect whenever something dodgy goes down around town.
Cook, aka Ginjitsu, aka Young Ginj, aka Ginj and Tonic was described by Strange People magazine as:
The hilarious girl-next-door type
But don’t be fooled by her high school cheerleader cookie-baking sports mom charm.
According to her neighbour, Mrs Tantlebury, Cook is working on her Rom Com novel that involves humans and sex.
Tantlebury 63, 38D, (she/him) told me,
‘She seemed like such a nice girl. Then I overheard her on the phone talking about the book. It made me realise you never know what evil lurks over the fence. Do you understand, Mr Bird?’
I do understand Mrs Tantlebury, and may I say what a lovely yellow sweater that is?
GC was seen arguing with Kristen Stark at a baseball game over the ownership of a hot dog left behind by the previous occupant of their corporate booth. Twenty-four hours later, Stark disappeared.
Cook, who married the actor Dean Cain in 1993 for his money, has yet to comment.
EXHIBIT B:
Jill Francis
Jill Francis is another one that fucked off out of nowhere. And I would be the first to empathise with anyone getting out of the literary streetwalker game, especially since she is busy living her ex-pat life of glamour in Italy with her mysterious ex-rockstar boyfriend.
“She was my favourite writer on Medium for a while.” — David Lee Roth
The question is, did she do away with Stark? And the answer is probably no. I’m not even sure they knew each other, to be honest.
EXHIBIT C:
Christopher Robin
Also known as Robin Red Sack and Pooh Lover 241, Christopher Robin is known to be creepily obsessed with Stark. A rumour was floating around Medium that he kept photo snippets of her pinned on a blow-up doll in his basement.
“He’s a decent writer and a bloody decent artist, but a complete sociopath.” — Piglet
If one needs further proof of his obsession with Stark, look no further than his story list, where our investigators dug up this gem:
EXHIBIT D:
Ann James
Let’s face it, Ann James’ name is straight out of a detective novel, but her work is far from the mainstream plot-driven orgies of that dope-head Arthur Gonad Doyle. And if anyone had the fortunate karma to decipher James’ celestial brand of palavras dos deuses, perhaps we would learn of a dark tale of betrayal, coyotes, calzoncillos and diet Fanta, also involving a particular blonde writer.
Apparently, the two were seen partying together on Patrick Eades’ yacht in the South Pacific.
Eade’s, 17, 18C, (they/we) has been described by local Anglo-New Zealand Jewish celebrity playboy Reuben Salsa as Medium’s own Leonardo Di Capricorn — a party boy with a voracious appetite for lobster and party games.
EXHIBIT E:
EXHIBIT F:
Raymund Frey
Ask any Game of Thrones fan who killed Lady Stark, and they’ll immediately point at this pencil licker Raymund Frey. Apparently, he slit her throat at some Christmas function known as the red wedding.
But who could possibly accuse a man whose second name is the first half of a famous steak and kidney pie? Not me.
EXHIBIT G:
Summary
Perhaps Stark isn’t dead at all. Maybe she is just busy with her real-life job as a cleaner at Seven-Eleven. All I know is that since she has been gone, I have been whining like a depressed Damascus goat on TikTok. Everything I write is so morbid that Professor John Morbidson from Morbidcastle wrote to me to complain:
“Dear Mr Bird. Lighten the fuck up, you prick. Even my son, Murk — a suicidal goth is more uplifting than you.”
So, like one of those parents pleading for their child’s return in front of the flashing cameras on one of those murder press conferences, I say whole-heartedly:
Stark. If you can hear me, Stark. Come back so I can stop bitching about the world and Medium and start writing stories about wanking again. Please, for the love of God — come home.
