Another damn year, another damn yeast infection
Why Is My Cock Red And Cheesy?
Happy New Year, Medium Buddys
It all begins with an itch
And you think for a minute it is just your standard cock and bollock itch from the heat or from the rather dubious ‘Christmas eggnog lube’ which came free with the sexy Santa undies you bought for your wife from Ali Baba.
But it isn’t.
So you get your swiss army knife and switch it to the foreskin retraction tool, which is commonly mistaken for a can opener, and you retract the aardvark’s balaclava.
And you are greeted with a beautiful Christmas scene — a cock head painted as red as Santa’s hat and is that — is that — snow?
It’s, it’s Christmas snow.
No, it’s not. It’s cheese. And not the good kind. It’s not King Island double cream brie, before you ask. It’s not the nutmeg-scented fruit cheese from Christmas dinner. It’s dick cheese, more commonly known as S.M.E.G.M.A.
And you ask yourself how this might have happened since you have only cheated on your wife mentally. So you do some calculations, and your eyes roll around like Prince Charles on Ecstacy. And finally, you realise that this is what happens when you spend two weeks drinking nothing but beer, followed by two weeks consuming sugar to feed all of that damn yeast in your body.
Happy new year motherfucker. Here’s a red cheesy cock to start your year
The whole thing is fine by me. It seems to be symbolic of my attitude to New Year’s eve, which is the one holiday that causes me the most anxiety since there’s always so much bloody expectation and hype.
So I smear my cockhead with coconut oil which Im told is some kind of tropical anti-fungal, and it turns me on a little, so I consider having a pre-new year wank, but I reason that I need as much high-nutrient spunk as my body can muster if I am to win this yeast war.
Anyway, you might think this is a rather raw article as it is the first since I wrote about Medium being officially a bag of dead cocks, and you would be right.
But I have been writing my new novel, which contains more swear words than dust particles in your granny’s knickers. And I’m sorry, but it’s just not fucking possible to commit yourself to a book AND write on Medium, at least not for me since I also have to pay the bills by writing corporate schmuck for corporate schmucks and continue to scrape my ballsack along to gain my Bachelor of Creative Writing, which seems to have become a Bachelor of Gender and Race studies and is as inspiring as wanking a goat in a post office.
I can’t do everything. I’m not fucking Batman
Still, I was conveniently roused as I hit the 60k word mark by a message from my young friends Darius and Mike Knittel asking if I had killed myself or joined Al Qaeda. And I let them know that since I had finished the slog section of the novel, I would begin rewriting the bastard in January and would therefore be free to write on Medium in January also.
So what is the point of all this besides an itchy cock, a shit degree, and a completed first draft?
It’s simply to wish all of my Medium friends a happy New year. I, for one, will be toasting another year of outstanding human achievements such as:
- The military-industrial complex
- The prison-industrial complex
- Nuclear weapons
- World hunger
- The various knobheads of TikTok
- Parasitic billionaires
- The continued illegal imprisonment of Julian Assange
- Climate change
- War
- Pharmaceutical companies, aka legal drug dealers
- Governments lost to corporate corruption
- The Metaverse, aka Virtual Nintendo Wii
- The commercialisation of spirituality
- Battery farms
- Artificial intelligence, aka real-life Matrix
So please excuse me as I once again pop my bottle of yeast-free 1959 Dom Perignon and pull the string on my party popper.
POP!
I hope to see you all on Medium in 2023 for more pointless articles which are like fleas on God’s anal hairs.
All the best,
FTB
