OK, so I smoked a joint. Sue me.
Your Religion is Just A Method So Calm Down Okay?
No, my God is real. No, mine is. No mine. I KILL YOU.
STRAP IN, YOU IDIOTS
A Reading from the Book of GENESIS and the gospel according to Phil Colons, Peter Gabriela and the other fucker (Old Testament).
On the third day, The Great Gom created soup, and all the people came from miles around and said,
‘The soup smells excellent. What flavour is it, Oh Lord?’
and the Lord said,
‘Thank you. It’s Turmeric, Ghost Pepper and Olive. I got it off the BBC website.’
and everyone went,
‘What the fuck Lord?’
And Chavy, Gom’s nineteenth disciple, was the most pissed off cos he’d already eaten it and touched his gonads with his ghost peppery hands.
No, that’s not what haaappened, seeeee.
This Giant NINJA TURTLE Ralphaela has been flying through the Universe since FOREVER, and we are all riding on its back, Dudes.
Like seriously, Turtle is ALL there is. The meaning of life is — Turt.
Dude, that’s positively RIGHTEOUS.
I know DUDE. AND we need to make offerings of Pizza to the great Ralphaela so we can get out of the yellow stained turtsphincter and into a ‘higher region’ like the turteyes or the turtongee.
NO, that’s not what happened
The earth is a fine young playground for fine young men to play out their rebellious fantasies, including wrapping women head to foot in black during extreme heat. Or, posthumously sticking their light winkies in a gaggle of celestial virgins who magically reset to status v1.0 once you’re done.
Renewable Virgins. How sustainable 🌳
PIMP God, HEY? I LIKE IT.
Overall rating = 0.00000000000000/10
WELL, THAT’S NOT IT AT ALL
#therealJ died for us so we could all be BORN in his pure land as long as we don’t DOUBt.
✅ Even the corporate thrush eaters who invest in the military and make $$$ when a drone drops a fireball on a young family’s house. GOD BLESS AMERICA and JESUSE.
✅ Even the PHARMA fuck-ferrets who snort $$$ when yet another teenager gets onto the old juicy-juicy AKA FENTANYL.
✅ Even the White Supremacist governments who support and maintain the rather casually named PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX aka the Good OL’ AMERICAN SLAVE TRADE.
✅ EVEN THE RAPISTS, Fear not, Brothers. Believe in the bearded man, and you’ll be SWEET AS BRO when The Rapture releases their final single.
EVERYONE ELSE WILL BURN THE FUCK IN HELL.
🔥 Even those helping the poor? Indeed, unless they do it in ‘his’ name.
🔥 Can we at least save atheist nurses in cancer wards? I don’t think so.
🔥 Animal welfare people? Don’t make me laugh.
🔥 If they DONT BELIEVE in the bearded man FUCK THEM ALL.
Come along, dear Earthling
Once you donate your quarterly Dongdangdee fee of $25 GRAND, you will be a seventeenth level Plutonian Schmeefploom. Then you will realise that the earth, AKA planet 63499-E, was created by a REPTILIAN SCI-FI AUTHOR who shat on a marble toilet in the third quadrant and —
THAT’S NOT TRUE, you ignorant BUFFOON.
This UNIVERSE is a computer simulation, and we’re all back in the Real world playing:
CALL OF DUTY: PROXY WAR IN UKRAINE
THAT’S not true either.
The human race is just celestial spunk flying graciously from the primordial ⚛︎ (cockend) of the Universe, my Lad/Lassy/Ladlassy/Other. We have experienced peak orgasm and will soon be overwhelmed by the Kaliyughurt — a post JIZ tremendous desire to take a nap, raid the fridge and all that.
Terrifying, OK, PHEW, thanks, everyone
That was very brave of you all to share.
YOU CAN ALL SIT DOWN NOW.
I’m not judging
So as a group, we hold scripture and word of mouth above experience. What’s the problem?
We become inspired by something and then take it on as truth because it resonates with us. So what?
It’s just plain old FUNDAMENTALISM. And, no, conservative white people, you don’t need a beard and an AK47 to take part, but thanks for asking.
Everybody wants to prove that their faith is the GOAT — The Michael Jordan of the Religious World. But seriously, we all need to grow up.
As soon as something has happened, it becomes a memory, and since it only exists as a memory, we have no proof that it occurred.
DISCLAIMER: This defence does not work in a Court of Law, to my knowledge. Any use of such techniques to justify criminal or unethical activity is in no way endorsed or sanctioned by the author.
So why bang your head against the wall trying to prove your religion is the one?
Cause and effect is the only belief system that is based on experience.
GET THIS INTO YER SKULL
1.) Put flour and water in the oven, and it becomes bread.
2.) Was the flour real since now it is bread?
3.) Is the bread real since it used to be flour?
4.) The only thing we know to be true is the process.
Consider this deeply. A thorough understanding of this fundamental observation can ornament any religion and render it more effective.
So why not look right into the heart of your experience instead of relying on scripture or word of mouth?
Many people are terrible at practising religion.
They take the words, make up their own agenda, and practice like horny monkeys in hot air balloons.
And, look, there are precise golf instructions out there yet most golfers are turd at the game. Is golf to blame?
Is ‘food’ to blame for the slightly fishy burrito that led me to write this article on the ‘SHITTER’ at 2 am?
You can’t blame religion as a whole because religion contains the vastly different views of billions of people. But isn’t the goal of all of it to improve things at some level?
Your religion is a method.
Why don’t you stop trying to prove it is true and instead use it to learn how to LOVE each man, woman, manwoman, none, child, animal, plant, chemical, pant pissing tramp, Big dicked horse, stinking cat shit, rapist, paedo, murderer, Hollywood actor, accountant, lawyer, cult leader, politician, policeman, bank robber, dust particle, atom, nothing, space, horror, light, dark, plumber etc, like a teenager loves their Nan after experiencing MDMA for the first time?
And yeah, it's offputting to have so many fundamentalists in Religion. But maybe you should consider it anyway because death is a motherfucking TOUGH pillow to swallow. It’s coming, AND having something to hold on to might help you feel better about falling into Ralphaela’s lap as long as he/she/they don’t look like Hitler or Jimmy Saville.
That would be a fucking nightmare.
Even Harvard University says there is something to it -
Religious or spiritual beliefs may also help by lending a larger meaning to a loved one’s life and death. For some, the belief that a loved one is enjoying the spiritual riches of heaven or preparing for the next turn of the wheel through reincarnation can be comforting. Believing your loved one helps guide you in this world or that you will be reunited in another place after your own death can help you continue to feel connected with the person.
And those Harvard fuckers know everything, including all of the stuff you can’t find on the internet.
Religion can be dangerous for the mind
But it doesn’t have to be. It’s down to you to take the fundamentalism out of it. Stop trying to convince everyone it is true when you don’t know that yourself. Just recognise it as a powerful method and use it correctly, okay?
Seeing it as a method is not blasphemy. It’s intelligence.
Water kills every day, but in the right hands can also save a life.
If you see the Buddha on the side of the road, kill him.
It means the purpose of religion lies beyond religion.
It’s not Jeff Bezpos cock-rocket science.
